So... seems like forever since I've been here. Well, guess what? I'm here, again, no greater then before. Actually, I'm a little more worse then before. I'd rather this not get too public, not too many people know of my DA account. Only two, and they probably aren't going to check this. Good, better. It leave me more drama only for speaking my mind. Since I've moved back, I started building my life back, you know. Had everything straight, actually; everybody had missed me and wanted to hang out with me, what not. I was... happy. Well... as happy as I could be.

It's seems like forever since I've thought back to those days, when things made sense but they hurt. When everyday I was scared my heart would be crushed and my hopes broken; but I fell asleep knowing my own self and my grip. Everyday, it's not like these days. Back then, it was so content in my little hole, even after I was torn out of one very desirable life into a less... accomdated one. I'll admit this, you can get mad, hell you can even hate me for it. I love you, these words, they will never escape my lips, ever; even writing it seems so... alien. I mean, I'm done with those games we'd play and I became addicted to you like you were a drug. I'd always come crawling back, begging, pleading some more. I'm past that, I've grown out of my addiction. But I still care about you, I care if your healthy or even alive. I mean, I'm human; I'm not some monster you dream me up to be. Hopefully one day you'll see that. But it seems like you've helped me along into this turmoil of confusion, like some sickness that started to form in my mind. Just a seed, nothing kicked it of course, it was just there.

I started talking to someone, you know, I wanted friends. I was really fucked up, out of my skull. And well, nothing else to do, so I stared sifting threw olod contacts and found someone in particular. Hell, all I wanted is maybe a small friendship, or just to test the waters, see what I could get. What I got was more then what I could chew. Honestly, I didn't see it coming, but it did. At first, they were flirtacious comments, nothing more then what two lesbians would do. But then the talking started, the true issue at hand; then the sweet pillow talk. You know, that soft voice just when sleep was starting to drain away at you, so helpless and... well cute. It grew, grew into something I don't think I was quite ready for. But, I was dead, so dead you see; I always wore a face of pure ice, nobody could thwart my barriers and see how hollow I really was. But she, she showed me what it was to feel that fire again. She made me feel alive. Now, this is when that seed I talked about, began to grow. It was like she sparked it. I wasn't sure if this was a good thing, or a bad thing; but my mind. It played tricks on me. I couldn't quite grasp anything anymore. It felt like I was dreaming, dreaming of some weird coicidental dream about me and her, me and everyone. This wasn't me, when I was with her, I felt like the old me, the very old me; but then a completely different me. She questioned me, still now; you do. Just the thought of you makes me question everything.

Now, well, fuck. That ended, quickly. It didn't even have a chance to fight, like some poor still born child cradled in it's hysterical mother's arms. So much potential, but then again... I don't know. That's just it, I'll never know. This, this bothers me that I will never know if maybe, just maybe, that feeling would of gone away and bloomed, made itself into something great. But I'll never know, it haunts me, you know. That what if, what if I had done something different, been more radical, no no no... been more of whatever I really am. I don't know me, but it's apparent that the me you know, or knew; didn't fullfill your needs or even answer any of your questions. I felt my heart ripping to pieces, the tendons, the veins, the valves; all of it being torn apart in half. Now... I just don't know.

That seed, it's evolved, into something greater, more powerful. Actually, I think that I myself, am that seed. Like a whole new me grew inside me long ago, and know it's taken over. Or it's trying to. I feel the confliction, the war between the two. And I can't quite grip what's happening. Anything. I'm so use to... I don't know... I know I'm suppose to be used to something. Everything I see, touch, doesn't seem real anymore. When I'm not high, it's like I've come out of this daze or realization that maybe; I'm just not meant to be happy. Maybe I'm not cut out for that sort of thing. Whether it's my purpose is to be constantly dissapointed, I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore; all I know is that I don't want to be here anymore. I just, here lately; it feels like I'm the most happiest or better yet relived when I think about it. About getting a gun, a simple small pistol or maybe a gun from downstairs; putting that cold end of the barell to my forehead. Maybe I would cry, sometimes I do, but then sometimes I smile, actualy enjoy the feeling of metal against my skin. Just like I would enjoy the feel of a lovers lips. This gun, it would kiss me, but only take life, not make it. I'd sigh, close my eyes, or sometimes I don't to see what the last thing I would see would be. Curiousity I suppose. And then, just then; I'd pull the trigger. Everything would be silent up until that point when I heard a click, and it would travels threw my thin fleshy forehead, travel back threw the back of my skull. Maybe, just maybe, it could cleanse that demon seed implanted in my mind; even if it meant dying; I just want it to go away. I just want to go away; cease. I don't care if I'm selfish, I just... damnit I want to be happy.